Extend your height.

Regardless of what you’ve been told size does matter. Whether it relates to the size of your chair on board an aircraft, the dimension of a steak you’re served at a restaurant or the capacity of your MP3 player bigger is always better! As men we’re very particular about dimensions relating to our willy and height since it has it’s manly to be tall the same way it’s feminine to be thin. Just look at how obsessed the pope is, sitting taller than all beings on earth in his customized car.

Getting bullied at primary school for being short there was always the comfort of our teachers’ and parent’s words of comfort that we will grow taller with age. When the age of 20 is reached the skeleton in the body has pretty much hit maximum size leaving hopeless short people with zero hope. Women have the advantage of being happily accepted regardless of height and can always get a few inches closer to space by wearing a pair of high heel shoes. Men are on the other hand left with very few ways of defying ones physical height.

The human mind is highly intelligent but suffers from flaws opening the brain up to exploitation through illusions. In plain English it means that there are ways of looking taller without physically being taller! One of the easiest ways of doing so is by wearing a…….*drumroll* hat or wearing your hear in a way that it gives you a few extra inches. Obviously it doesn’t mean that every short man should walk around with the same silhouette as Marge Simpson. The whole objective is to make the face look more slender like the mast on the top of the Empire State building making it look mightier.

Option number two is dressing yourself in clothes that give you a sleeker appearance notably outfits that expose your belt line leaving the entire length of your legs visible to the world. Take inspiration for super models who look very tall whenever they are dressed in trousers. During the summer heat a common choice is wearing shorts but what more men should do is put on a pair of low shoes and leave the socks at home. Suddenly there’s more leg real-estate visible and everyone around you will be rolling their eyes up and down your legs!

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Cash rules everything around me.

What a Monday, sun ray beaming Mediterranean heat on London letting giving people the pleasure of enjoying a tropical summer before ending their semester this week. In a fashionable habit of last year, a few hundreds of people from the Middle East have descended up on Knightsbridge in accordance with their anticipated Arab Invasion.

So what do these people smell like? They don’t smell like "Gucci Envy Me" nor sand, but more like 89 octane unleaded petroleum. Finally the Londoners got to see how the money they spend fueling up their cars indirectly ends up being used for. With Shell having reported a $23 billion dollar UK profits for 2007 the future is bright as a Sony Bravia for UAE, Qatar and Saudi Arabian tourists coming to London for some shopping.

Today The area around Harrods’ was literarily segregated into three world; Beggars looking to snag a few notes out of the rich, us people who did our shopping during the sale that ended last week and benevolent Arabs with credit cards getting more friction than sandpaper used during the construction of a wooden bowl. Bystanders were left with their tails hanging between their legs and their self-worth hitting rock bottom. There was even a nice little outdoor restaurant(not pictured) branching out of Harrods which froze out anyone not a citizen of an OPEC nation or stepping out of a Lamborghini with Dubai plates.

Worst of all is that I discovered that my favorite fast-food restaurant on Brick Lane selling a KFC styled meal of fried chicken and French fries have increased the meal with 25% from the unbeatable £1 to £1.25. I guess the increasing fuel prices and dropping property values have begun to bite in. That leaves me with the option of either growing my own chicken and potatoes or begin digging for oil. Notable cars seen were Rolls-Royce Drophead Coupe x 2, Lamborghini LP 640 x 3, Rolls Royce Phantom x 2, Ferrari 599 GTB x 2, Ferrari F430 x 2, Mercedes Maybach x 2 and Mercedes SLR Roadster.

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Prada SS08

Many designers design smashing runway collection but very few of the collections are strengthened with an ad campaign of the same caliber. Prada stunned last summer with an innovative SS09 collections for men and women. Continuing with the theme for the free state of mind that dominated during the 70s Prada let a graphic artist ejaculate their creativity on a set of screens acting as background for the magical clothes. The end result became what can be described as artistic excellence and the best presentation of a runway collection since Gucci SS07.

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The ladyboy.

Manchester United’s machine gunner is currently enjoying a relaxing recovery away from the soccer craze in Europe. Having had an ankle surgery there’s no more peaceful way to let the bones and tendons heal than flossin’ in SoCal where only a tiny majority of people even know of you.

Contrary to a low key profile most top athletes would prefer Cristiano Ronaldo didn’t make an effort looking invisible. Greased up in his compulsory hair wax he has taken fashion for the disabled to a new level. Dressing himself up as eye candy for homosexuals dreaming of a man dressed as a high school girl Cristiano accentuated his skin tone with a pink DSquared T-shirt. To enlighten Sunset Boulevard pedestrians even more the metallic miniature Dolce & Gabbana shorts made him look like a near over burnt croissant lying on tinfoil. Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls should be jealous now when he’s officially the most tanned guy and showbiz ever. He does deserve style points for the highly contrasting somewhat girly sneakers and the stealthy crotches. No matter how obscene he’s dressed his image is untouchable after having topped the Premier League 2007/2008 season’s score board with a menacing total of 42 goals.

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Gianni Versace.

Some designers are just labels while others are mega sized corporate giants consisting of several divisions. Versace happen to be the latter one is unlike many other designers extended beyond sunglasses, deodorants and clothing. Beside all the Versace lines seen in departments stores there is Versace Home collection, and as the name suggest it is in the same branch as IKEA which is home décor.

As middle class citizens can only afford a scented candle from Versace Home, career-less 27 years old women desperate to marry a stockbroker dream of an ostentatious Versace bathroom. Taking a dump surrounded by Medusa heads is possible in Australia where an Armani hotel is located and there’s a second one currently taking form in what is to become the world tallest building, Burj Dubai, in which the Armani hotel will occupy numerous floor levels.

Those who don’t believe the phrase “there’s no such thing as too much money” can finally put their arms down and surrender because now there’s a way to spend even more money on an already expensive Learjet, Gulfstream or Bombardier. Cruising at Mach 0.85 on the voyage to the height of Mr.Almighty there’s only one way of getting crowned as the God of fashion, and that’s by overlooking the troposphere in a Gulfstream interior commissioned by Gianni Versace.

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SS09: Reflections and summary.

As everyone is patiently waiting for the Women’s NY, Paris, Milan and London SS09 calendar we men are left hanging after our disappointing SS09 that didn’t end with a fashiongasmic climax. None of the shows have been astounding to the level that makes you want to rush outdoors and do cartwheels naked on the grass. Anna Wintour was bound to have left Milan disappointed.

Much of what has been created looks like a diet version of the designers’ respective AW collection. The use of dark colour and sober shades of grey, green and brown triggers a sense of fatigue as opposed to enlightenment and joy that usually associated with Spring/Summer collections.

Star of SS09

Dries Van Noten

The highly anticipated DH and Lanvin’s shows failed to evoke the sensation of butterflies in people’s stomachs with earth shaking creations. That led to Belgian giant Dries Van Noten rose to the occasion standing taller than the Eiffel Tower in France when he unveiled an astoundingly charming SS09 collection.

Losers

Louis Vuitton

Enjoying the success of his own label and what he has done for the LV women’s collection Marc Jacobs is on a steam train like motion at LV. Sadly he’s failed to stun in the world of men’s wear continuously creating tame collection suffering from a deficit in attitude and style. Having gone through and image makeover and overcoming a drug addiction Marc Jacobs need to fight his tendency of creating collection which looks like it could have been designed by Calvin Klein.

Dior Homme

Shamelessly trying to replicate old DH collection from 2006 Kris Van Assche is steering DH into an ice berg. Not only was DH SS09 pitifully embarrassing but is contains traces of design elements from Van Assche’s own line.

Gucci

It’s funny that the latest SS and AW Gucci’s collection have the same theme as their predecessors. AW07 and AW09 were amazing which a style and baroque character that should be of the liking of Faberge Egg loving Russian Billionaire who engaging in purchase of crass luxury products. At the other tip of the scale we have SS08 and SS09 which looks like what could have been the result if Gucci designed a limited collection for TopMan.

Winners

Burberry Prorsum

Burberry is associated by the beige tartan pattern usually seen on the inside of their jacket and coated around their cheaper line of bags. The second signature of the British brand is trench coats. Bailey has proven that he can comfortably design a high end collection that has a strong identity without using those two elements.

Etro

Doing something different from everyone else Etro stunned with an Aladdin styled collection with influences from Morocco and Persia. Gorgeous graphics highlighted by bright colour in shiny materials resulted in a sensual and romantic batch of outfit, though those allergic to glossy clothes might think of the outfits below as appalling.

Kenvin Ferderline’s choice: Kris Van Assche SS09

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